Date #33 (Part I) - Good Guy, Bad Fit: Reasons Why I Had to End It

October 14th, 2023

Date #33, we’ll call him Ivory being that he was from Ivory Coast, was the first guy I dated “seriously” after deciding that I wanted to be in a relationship. I put ‘seriously’ in quotes because even I’m confused on what the hell we were doing the entire time. Here’s to us being confused together! *cheers* Buckle up because this one is about to be a long ride.

Ivory and I’s first date was brunch at The Breakfast Club in Silver Spring, MD. I don’t know about yall but the day of a date I need a “I’m starting to get ready” or “I’ll be headed out in a bit” or “I’m on my way now”, some type of confirmation to let me know that the date is still happening. Communication was already a bit spotty so I wasn’t super confident in Ivory showing up. The morning of I can’t recall if I had heard from him but I do remember I decided to head to the restaurant since Silver Spring was a good 45 minutes from me. The whole way I was unsure if he was showing up (this should have been my first red flag), but right as I was down the street he texted me saying he was 10 minutes away. I relaxed a bit but once I got there I was still waiting an extra 20 minutes. He arrived stating he had a work thing he was finishing up with so I gave him some grace.

Let us all pause here so I can express to yall how tardiness is a huge pet peeve of mine. People being late or canceling last minute will really put me in a mood. If you read Date #12 you will already know this about me.

Resuming. 

When Ivory showed up they asked if we had a reservation and… we did not. Let us also take a moment to note that he chose this place two days prior. They told us we could find seats at the bar if available and luckily, we did. When we sat he told me that when he checked, all the reservations were taken so he thought we could wing it and hopefully sit at the bar. It worked in his favor this time, but anyone who lives in the DMV area knows that they take their brunch seriously. You really have to make a reservation in advance, especially if it’s a popular restaurant. This should have been my second red flag, but since we got seats, I didn’t think twice about it.

I’d say the food was good, but I foolishly got oxtails and didn’t want to be sucking on them on a first date so I barely ate. Besides that though, we had really good conversation and he was very pleasing to look at. I even remember staring at how handsome he was, seemingly put together, and secretly asking God to let it work out with this man. Boy, how looks can be deceiving.

At the end when it was time to pay, his card was not working for some reason. The payment wouldn’t go through on their end, but on his end they charged him twice. I sat there silently for a little bit because he assured me he had money on his card. I can’t tell y'all how long we were sitting there, even the manager had to come out to figure out the issue. I finally spoke up saying I could pay, but he told me that it was only a problem because the card itself was broken. Honestly, I didn’t look at him any differently as it did seem like a card issue… but in hindsight this was definitely a third red flag – lack of planning, lack of communication, and tardiness. Y'all might be thinking to yourselves “Eboni, this is very trivial”, but once we make it to the end of this story, you will see why/how these became bigger problems in the end.

After the card situation was (semi) resolved, he walked me to my car, then I drove him to his. As I pulled up to his car, he asked if I had a nice time, which I did, then asked if I would want a second date. Now typically, I don’t like guys asking me this on a first date because if I don’t want a second, how do I tell you no to your face? Yes, I know this is something I have to work on. But luckily, I did want a second date. We discussed a food option or an activity and… we were sitting there debating for so long that, along with the second, we even had a third date planned. We were talking so long I said let me park somewhere else so we can continue our conversation. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for a good parked car conversation. One of life's little pleasures. The conversation lasted maybe 3 hours, talking about family, friends, old relationships, and this guy definitely knows how to tell a story. Leaving the date I was giddy and counting down the days until I saw him again.

October 19th, 2023

The second date he told me he wanted to take me to Konoko, this Jamaican spot in White Marsh, Maryland. I was a bit hesitant being that it was towards Baltimore and I’ve never been that far out on a date, especially this early, but I figured I was making good judgment. So I met him at his place, then we headed up to the restaurant together.

The food was delicious I will say. I got oxtails (again) and it was my first time having rice and peas. I love trying new foods, but it hits different when I’m trying something new with someone else, whether it’s new to them or not. It just makes for a better memory. He said he’d also get the oxtails too so that I’d actually eat this time and not be embarrassed being the only one sucking on them.

We drove back to his house and here is where we had our second parked car conversation. You really find out a lot about a person when you’re in a confined space, nobody around, nothing to distract you. It was pretty late so truth and vulnerability started coming out. Ivory asked me how many bodies I had. I personally try to stay away from this question as we all know guys look at you funny if you tell ‘em you have more than 1 body. After disclosing my number, I was hoping that was it. I don’t ask guys for their count because I figure they gonna lie about it anyway so what’s the point? He asked if I wanted to know his number, and I said no. He told me to guess and I really didn’t want to. We were going back and forth for a bit until I said okay maybe in the hundreds. He feigned offense, then said it was 98, as if this number was that far off.

He asked if this made me uncomfortable and I told him “honestly, it does.” Later on in the conversation he also told me he was going to have his “goddaughters mom” stay with him for at most a year and asked how I would feel about it if things were to progress between us. I appreciated him bringing this up and asking my feelings towards the matter, but this was only our second date. I told him at the time I didn’t have any thoughts about it, but if we were to be something more I might feel some way, but wanted to cross that bridge once we got to it.

Towards the end he asked for a kiss, and I did want to kiss him, but after the Jamaican food eh, I didn’t know exactly how fresh (or not) my breath was. I even told him this. We were going back and forth until he said I kept trying to avoid the question and ??? Idk I thought I answered it but… so yea we kissed.

October 28th, 2023

Two weeks went by and for our fourth date (third date we grabbed drinks), we went to an amusement park – King’s Dominion – for halloween. Located in Virginia, it’s about an hour and a half out (we were in traffic so closer to two hours) but I was comfortable enough with him by this time to spend that much time in the car with him. A lot of people in the DMV kept telling me to go to King’s Dominion so I was excited! But… there was something off putting about Ivory. His odor. I noticed it on our second date but figured everyone has off days. But this was our 4th date and it was really distracting. Not only was it his entire being, but his breath too. We were standing in one line for an hour and a half, and I told y'all this man was a storyteller. He was going on for so long I had to offer him gum and even that didn’t help. I figured it was his natural smell but the more dates that went on, the more headaches I got from it.

We lasted a month before I called it quits. Now, I’m one that needs multiple reasons to end it with someone. It is completely valid to end things with someone just because you're not feeling them, but me? I need a list of reasons… which probably gets me in trouble more often than not. The odor was definitely on that list, but I couldn’t tell him that. I told him that with how many bodies he has, I wasn’t sure if I’d be comfortable having sex with him any time soon, which was true! His woman friend also had moved in with him, so we were confined to his room the whole time I was over there (not that he had a couch in his living room any way). But with her being there, I did realize I wouldn’t be comfortable with the situation had we progressed to a relationship. I didn’t think my feelings for him were all the way there, and that I would end this and we’d go our separate ways. But the more that facetime call lasted of me telling him I wanted this to end, the more I cried. This is coming from the girl who has no feelings, the girl who her friends call her the “cold-hearted/heartless friend”. Crying in front of a guy I was only seeing for a month was a first. I didn’t even cry when my boyfriend of 8 months and I broke up.

What was it I was feeling? I couldn’t help but feel like he was an all around good guy, but because of circumstances, I wouldn’t feel comfortable progressing. Unlike previous dates, he was the first one I thought was one of the good ones, and I could actually see us together. Ironically, he said he had planned to make it official the week after I ended things (this would’ve been too soon for me anyway). I couldn't help but feel like I was giving up a good thing, but how could I continue dating him with the rest of these facts in the back of my head? 

The crying was beyond embarrassing and the more I tried to stop, the more the tears fell. It was one of those ugly cries too yall, the inconsistent breathing, the snot starting to run, you would’ve thought a family member had died. I honestly don’t think any guy I’ve dated has seen or heard me crying this hard, besides maybe my ex. 

My thoughts were: I had found someone that checked a lot of the qualities I’m looking for in a potential partner but because of circumstances, I had to let him go. I was frustrated thinking I would never be satisfied in a partner.

Before I came to this decision, I made a pros and cons list. On paper, he had a lot of the qualities I wanted in a boyfriend, qualities that guys before him lacked. He made time for me, he was thoughtful, affectionate, financially stable, understanding, paid attention, and talked about a future with me. But the bad qualities I couldn't ignore. He wasn’t funny, made me feel pressured/rushed to have sex, made inappropriate comments (not about me specifically), his bathroom was dirty, and at one point he jerked as if he was going to hit me which sat silently in the back of my head for the remainder of the time we dealt with each other. There was an extensive list of qualities on both sides, but those cons… those three main ones: the body count, having his woman friend as a roommate, and the odor, were just too much for me. As tough as this was, I had to let it go.

At least I thought I did…

Little did I know, this was just the beginning. 

Check out Part II of Date #33 Continued: Holiday Funk