Date #29: Faded Too Soon

April 27, 2023

Around this time is when I started therapy. There wasn’t a specific reason or event that led me to it, just needing someone to talk to. But I did want to discuss my dating life and wanted a change in my dating style. I was no longer interested in having a roster, I was no longer interested in the casual dating, I was no longer interested in the endless hinge dates with no substance behind these men… I wanted to move differently.

I was more strict with who I was matching with on the app. There were certain things I accepted before that, now that I wanted a relationship, I wasn't accepting. If I wasn’t remotely attracted to you, like not even your personality could help your looks, I wasn’t matching.

Or if you were cute, but seemed to have a boring personality/profile, I wasn’t matching.

If you said you wanted kids, automatically not matching even if you were a 10 (I prob still swiped right on one or two). 

Guys who said they were “looking for short term relationships” (whatever that means), swipe left.

I wasn’t trying to maintain boring conversations any longer. If you said something dumb or were replying slow, I stopped replying altogether. 

I’ve heard women talk about how bad the dating scene was, and honestly, I didn’t see what they were talking about. Sure, men can be unbearable, and I’ve definitely entertained some questionable creatures, but as the saying goes: a man is the easiest thing to get. I think I was fooled because I wasn’t looking for anything serious—so of course, I ended up with more quantity over quality men. But my perspective changed. It was the quality that was lacking, and suddenly, I completely understood what the girlies were talking about.

Because of my new dating “rules”, you may notice larger gaps in my dates from this point.

Although I wasn't actively seeking a relationship before, I also never encountered someone I would’ve wanted to be in one with, if that makes sense. Even after I was ready, I still faced a similar challenge.

Date #29 was different. And yes, yes it seems like I’ve said this about a few of them before but this one… I can’t explain it. I liked him, not as much as I liked Remy (#28) or even Rain (#25), but I think the difference was that it seemed like, unlike the previous two, he actually wanted more than something casual. After deciding that I did want to be in a relationship, one of my questions added to my list of first date questions was the age-old cliche question: “what are you looking for”. I asked if he wanted a relationship and I remember distinctly he said “not a relationship but I'm looking for love”. And I remember this clearly because I'm like… how do you have one without the other? He said that it didn’t matter if they were in a relationship or not he just wanted love and to have someone to love too. I was too confused to ask further questions so I just left that one alone.

But before we get into our dating history let’s start with the first date itself: we went to Bowlero in College Park, MD. He was tall asf… I’m talkin tallest I’ve ever dated –  about 6’3 or 6’4. Now me being 4’11, I never had too much preference on height since everyone is tall to me anyway… but for me there is a thing as too tall. And he was lanky too. I already told yall my stance on skinny men so him being both tall and skinny I mean… wasn’t the best combination. He was a little too thin for me but again body types aren’t a huge factor to me so this wasn’t points against, nor for him. 

Now it was mentioned in a past blog post that I go on a lot of bowling dates and this one so far was my favorite spot to go bowling. It was a Thursday evening so it wasn't crowded but I liked the vibe, the lights, the drinks were good, and the music was on point.

I wanted to do something new/different since I was in a new phase of dating so I asked him - before we met up - to record how he was feeling about meeting me and what he was expecting from the date like those interviews/confessionals in reality shows. It was just something I thought would be funny or cute incase it lasted between us and we can look back. He arrived though and said he didn't have time to do it but more importantly he didn't want to do it. Honestly the way he said it was funny so I didn’t trip about it. It didn’t seem like a guy type of thing to do anyway.

Now when you think about it, you might question how two people get to know each other over bowling since one is always at the lane… but somehow it worked. We even had a semi-deep conversation about family relationships and I was attracted to how open he was so soon. After the date it was late but we sat in his car and talked way longer and… he was a yapper. He worked overnight shifts so he was used to being up during the night which is how he had so much energy. I on the other hand had work the next day and unfortunately had to cut the conversation short. But I was excited about him, and was hoping to see him again.

May 1, 2023

Before we went on the first date he had asked if I wanted to go bowling, but I told him I’ve been wanting to go on a date to play pool so asked if he’d rather do that or stick with the bowling. He said we’ll go bowling and then play pool on the second date. A bit cocky to think he’d be getting a second date out of me… but he did. And it was also attractive that he remembered and kept his word about taking me.

So we arrived at my favorite spot D&B (actually since moving out here it’s become less of my favorite spot. Idk what it is it just doesn’t hit anymore although I have been a couple times on dates. I mean it is always a safe option, but that’s prob why it doesn’t hit anymore – I’ve been too many times). Anywho so we arrived at the front desk to pay for the billiards tables and he started patting down his pockets. I'm like oh boy I'm about to pay for this date. So I paid for the billiards. I liked him so I tried to put this out of my mind like you know what he paid for the first date, I'm fine with paying for the second. But while playing he ordered loaded fries and we had some drinks and he realized he could use apple pay so he paid for that and the arcade games so he redeemed himself.

We played a couple rounds of pool and you already know I was looking cute and thick so hopefully that was a distraction for how bad I was at the game. At one point while playing we were joking around with each other, stepping closer while talking and eventually kissed. While doing that I sneakily moved one of the balls. When we pulled apart he looked down and noticed the ball was moved. He called me a cheater but we laughed and continued our game. It played out like a movie scene it was real cute.

After that we played some of the arcade games and more of his personality started coming out. Before this he was real calm and nonchalant, a quality I’m not too keen on. But watching his competitive side, although I don't like competitiveness, it was nice to see his playful side.

We left and my favorite – more parked car conversations! I don’t remember what we talked about but I do know we shared more kisses. I was really feeling him.

Another thing I really liked about him was he was down to do anything. He already didn’t have a lot of free time on account he worked night shifts and his schedule changed weekly but whenever he had his two off days, he was spending those days with me and I loved it. It wasn’t even about him doing the activity it was more so his attitude like anything I suggested he just went along with it. It was to the point where I even asked him “would you go along with something even if it didn’t sound interesting to you?” and he admitted he would tell me if he didn't want to do something, but everything I've suggested has sounded fun… which we all already know.

The next date we had was a late-night paint and glow session - an event I found on eventbrite – that was at like 10 or 11 at night. One thing I did notice about him was that he moved with a sort of lanky, sluggish vibe - swaying as he walked and clumsily almost bumping into things. We arrived where the Uber dropped us off at and it was in a discreet location so it took us a minute to find. Mind you it’s dark and late, so it wasn’t that many people around. We had to ask a security guard in a nearby hotel, who gave us directions to the place, but after walking around aimlessly for awhile and even contacting the host with no response, we had to go back to the guard a second time who eventually walked us to where we had to go. I was lowkey irritated because it didn’t seem like he was trying to help much on how to get to the place; just stood around awkwardly with his hands in his pocket while I fiddled on my phone trying to figure it out.

We arrived a bit late to the event that was held in a basement of all places, which was then cut short because there was a leak in the floor above. Luckily we were able to finish our paintings, but the night was still young and we were already dressed up; I didn’t want it to end, especially since we had seemed to just arrive. So we went to the rooftop of the building to this bar, although he wasn’t a drinker. He told me this story of how he got super drunk in college and his friends had to carry him and with how tall he was I could imagine how difficult it would’ve been for them. He said he didn’t like putting his friends through that and for that reason he rarely drank and I respected this. 

But I'm a drinker so I ordered something and thought he would get a regular drink but he said he would get what I got. Not only the first but the same second drink I got too. And I remember they were both nasty too because I wanted to try something new. So we went back to my cousin's place where I stayed and she was out so… he came in and we chilled for a bit until we started making out.

Another imaginary rule I had was that I didn't want to have sex with guys just because I liked them or thought they were cute. I wanted to actually give it some time before going further and without expressing all this, I did tell him I wanted to wait a little bit. But we were making out on the couch… shirts started coming off… then all of a sudden we heard the front door unlock. Obviously it was easier for him to throw his shirt on but for me my bra started getting tangled so I ran upstairs and heard my cousin ask him “did she just run upstairs?” I came back down trying to act normal but it was obvious we were “caught”.

We of course were not about to have sex in the living room of my cousins place who just recently started letting me invite guys over but I knew it would’ve looked a certain way which is the reason for me freaking out about it. But the next morning my cousin and I laughed about it and she said all she heard was stomping and she thought to herself  ‘please don’t let me walk in on them having sex on my couch’.

—

Unfortunately for him this was around the time I started my therapy journey… and if it wasn't for that I probably would’ve entertained him longer.

I liked him alot but there were a few things that gave me pause. I do date a lot of guys that smoke and I even have friends that smoke alot so it doesn’t bother me too much… I just don’t like the smell. But for homie it was the frequency of which he smoked. I’m talkin every time we were together he was high. Which explained his calm and sluggish demeanor. He would get home in the morning from his night shift, smoke, sleep, wake up and smoke in the middle of the day, sleep before his shift, wake up and smoke again, go to work, come back home and do it all over.

He had so much time on his hands to spend with me which I liked but that’s also because he didn’t have anything else going for himself. For work he did stock at a grocery store and I don’t shame anyone for what they do, a job is a job, but it wasn’t a career. It was good for the time being, but I asked what he wanted to do in the long run. He said he wanted to be an actor which was surprising because I couldn't see his nonchalant self playing different roles, but again not knocking anyone’s dreams. So I asked if he was doing anything to work towards this and… he wasn’t. So this was another problem, he wasn’t ambitious enough for me.

He lived with his brother and his brother’s girl, and he told me his brother always had people in and out of the house. He would wake up and it would just be a bunch of strangers over. It didn’t sound like the type of scene I wanted to be a part of, especially too all they did over there was drink and smoke. We had facetimed once and it was so loud I had to get off and just continue to text him. On top of that, he was so high he was just moving in slow motion, per usual, and I wasn’t with the vibe at all.

On top of all this, one of the dating questions I asked was about his best friends and why he considered them his best friends. He had said that in high school they were a group of four. Him and his brother, and his best friend and his best friend's brother. They all fell out over time… his best friend ended up in jail for a reason he didn’t want to disclose, the best friend's brother had gone against the group doing something shady, and then his brother had moved down south. He didn’t have other friends… another reason he had a lot of time on his hands.

I understand we all fall out with our friends or our group of friends split up, but not having any other friends? Not one at our big ages? It was kind of a red flag for me.

Although I liked talking to him and spending time with him, his lifestyle wasn’t one I wanted to be a part of. I was telling my therapist this and told her I wanted to give it one more month to just kind of gauge where we were at and how I felt. She asked me “What exactly is going to change in one month? If absolutely nothing changes from this point forward, would you be satisfied?” and there was my answer. I knew I had to end things with him.

May 23, 2023

6am - “Hey good morning [name redacted]. I’ve been thinking a bit and as much as I enjoy spending time with you and talking to you, unfortunately I don’t think we should date anymore.”

He said ok, then asked why.

I explained to him that on our second date he said he liked me and when I asked why, he didn’t have an answer. A week before this conversation, I asked him what his favorite thing about me was and he said “your personality”. Then more recently, he said he liked hanging out with me and again, I asked why and he still didn’t have an answer. I continued “it seems to me that you don’t like me or aren’t really getting to know me at least not on the same level that I like you or trying to get to know you on”.

He just replied “Okay, thank you”. A reply I was both surprised and pleased to receive. 

Later that night I received a paragraph, the screenshot I’m attaching below so I don’t have to type it. 

I hated that it took me having to end things for him to then list the reasons he liked me. Looking back, was this a petty reason to end things with him? Yes and no. If this was the only reason then yes, being that we had only dated for a month, and was the same reason I wanted to give it another month of dating. But no because of the reasons I couldn’t bring myself to tell him: the lack of ambition/hobbies or not having anything going for himself, the frequent smoking, the lack of friends, and I would never feel comfortable going to his place. The bad qualities at that point had outweighed the good and for it to have been so early, it was the best time to end things.

We continued that conversation – no arguing, no blaming, just two people explaining their POV of things. It was mature, refreshing, and a little disheartening. I asked him, “If I met you during a hurt and angry time, why would you even want to pursue someone dating wise? Why even be on the app if you say you want to fall in love but don’t seem emotionally ready?” He said the situation between him and the other person was never supposed to be what it turned into and it caught him off guard. It was never supposed to take away from him dating and finding love but it got complicated and happened so fast. He didn’t think it was a bad thing to try and move on rather than sit around and be sad about it. Honestly I understood his point. I suggested he not use someone to get over someone else. I told him I wasn’t mad and didn’t think any less of him.

He told me he wasn’t trying to use me but was genuinely trying to move on and was getting over it his own way… “I’m not that shitty of a person. I know you can’t play with people emotions like that because I would never want someone to do that to me. I was genuinely trying to like you and plus like I said I never felt like you liked me honestly and that contributed to me not trying so hard because I didn’t wanna put myself all the way out there while just completely unsure of how you felt fr. But all in all I am sorry.” We were sending paragraphs back and forth for hours so I’m really watering the conversation down but this was mainly the gist of it all. I felt a sense of closure with a tinge of regret.

At the end he tried to be slick and say we should have this conversation on the phone or “in person over dinner”.  You wanna have a “break up” conversation over dinner??? What more could you possibly have to say after an already four hour conversation? I told him we ain’t never ate together before… which we hadn’t (and another reason I liked him because going to different activities was more creative than dinner), so why would we start now? But I told him there was no further conversation that needed to be had as I had said everything that needed to be said on my end. I told him he could call me the next night if he had more he wanted to get off his chest, on account it was already late and I was falling asleep. He said he would.

He didn’t.

July 24, 2023

Two months later I get a text: “Heyy, you wanna go play pool tonight?” 

He almost got me I won't lie. And I would’ve gone too if things didn’t end the way they did. I told him this, and asked what happened to him calling me the next night after our conversation after saying he would. He told me he had meant to because he didn’t have work but then he ended up having to work and just continued his regular schedule and never called then said “sorry about that”. I told him no worries. And that was it. Lord knows I really wanted to but guys always mess it up for themselves by how they handle the last conversation you have.

June 9, 2024

The next time we talked wasn’t until a year later. I reached out to guys I went on previous dates with to get their opinions on how they think our dates went to put their responses in a reel to announce my blog.

His response: Well we went on several dates, but I suppose one word to describe them all would be enjoyable. I enjoyed my time with you each time out.

Although our conversation was short, it was friendly and light. I realized I still had a soft spot for him, and was maybe lowkey wishing the conversation lasted a bit longer but, it was for the better.

If I’m being honest, he was the only guy I dated that I wish it would’ve lasted just a little bit longer with. When we went out it was always a good time and I just wish we could’ve had more experiences together. Another personal rule I made for myself as I was dating differently was that I didn’t want to show the faces of who I was dating on IG like I previously had. My followers were used to seeing some faces of the guys I was going on dates with but this time around I just wanted to enjoy them for myself. Not only my followers, but my friends didn’t know anything about him either. I wanted this new dating journey to be more private. 

If after a first date I was feeling the guy, I wouldn’t post him. But if I knew it wasn’t going past a first date, I didn’t care to post their face or even that I was out on a date (I know it sounds backwards). But even to this day I could say his name and my friends wouldn’t know who I was talking about. I’m used to saying certain names of guys I dated and being met with disgust if I talk about them with friends…with good reason. But this one didn’t treat me wrong. I didn’t want to talk bad or talk down on him and didn’t want the opinions of others to sway my decision. So I kept him to myself, only talking about him with my therapist. 

Although he probably was unconsciously using me, what made him different is that we were connecting on a level where sex wasn’t involved, and I think at least on the surface he was open to a relationship and we were on the same page with that. He’s just one of the few that despite the reasons I ended things with him, I still can’t speak negatively about. He’s that one that I’ll always wonder if circumstances were different, would we have had a better chance, a genuine shot? Realistically, probably not, as we lived different lifestyles… but I often do wonder, “what if?” I don’t know if I’d classify him as a “one that got away” but if anyone were to have come close, it would be him.