Date #22 (Part III): Tried Our Best

October 2023

I started dating someone else, again… and was more into him than I was Syre. Of course I’m posting him, us going out, what we were doing, even me taking him out on a date. By this time Syre and I had unfollowed each other on social media, but were still watching each other’s stories. I know, crazy right?

He told me randomly in conversation one day that I was playing with his emotions for the past 3 days. Wym buddy? He mentioned how I’m taking other niggas out on dates. He was feeling bold that day, and asked what the other dude did to deserve being taken out on a date. This was the most outrageous question I have ever been asked by a guy. You so worried about what the next man is doing to be taken out on a date instead of worrying about what you're not doing? I am so glad you asked. It’s not every day the aint shit person you’re dating asks why you like the other person more. Now was my time to shine! I sent him a picture in my journal of a written list of potential dates I had planned for him and how we could never follow through with any of them. He said I was going to find some way to pin this on him. I told him I was thinking about the effort I put in to plan these dates and how the effort was never reciprocated. Now why would I want to give that effort to someone who isn’t doing the same? He talkin bout sum “cuz believe it or not I never forgot about it and always hoped you’d be like ‘hey let me take you out’”. That’s crazy that you think of all the bs you’ve put me through that I’d even wanna take you out.

I literally gave Syre a whole list of things this new guy did to deserve me taking him out on a date. How in the first month of us dating he took me out on 5 dates… and proceeded with nine other reasons for new guy being so deserving. His first response: “all I’m seeing is a bunch of nothing”. And that’s the problem right there. Because I’m telling you all he’s doing and you don’t see it as important. Syre told me he’s looked out for me too. Throughout the conversation I kept coming up with more and more reasons how this new guy was able to get a date out of me. I told Syre “I ask you for favors and you do them and I appreciate that. He sees a problem and he fixes it… [without me having to ask]”. 

Syre stated, “Based off your standards I aint worthy of it. The whole problem thing, that’s just not me. If you ask I'll help but I never offer solutions unless you ask.” It was an initiative thing for me. If you’re someone I’m dating and you see that I’m upset or I’m struggling with something, why do I have to go to you to ask for something I might want or need? Why can’t you think to yourself ‘she’s upset or she’s having a hard time with this, how can I help her’ even if you just flat out ask me how you can help? But watching me be sad or mad or struggling and you take no initiative to relieve that pressure off me, that’s not someone I want to be with. It’s about the initiative, it’s about the effort, it’s about the consideration… all the things you lack. I could never see you as a leader. I could never depend on you. If I can handle all my matters independently, what do I need you for? 

I told him, “It’s not even that you have to give me money to solve problems, it's just the simple fact of him paying attention and it’s really a consideration thing”. He said that he asked me to take him on a date, and he’s been waiting for that. He did ask for that, and I’ve planned, but each time he fucked it up for himself. A man asking a woman to take him out on a date is already weird enough, but a man asking a woman to take him out when he hasn’t shown any reason why he deserves one is absolutely insane. We are already well over a year and a half into this dating thing and the only time you have taken me out on a date is the very first one. I’m not counting times we’ve been out and I’ve had to pay for myself because that’s just two friends hanging out at that point.

I told him I might be overlooking things he has done for me, so I asked him to provide a list for why he deserves a date out of me. He said he doesn’t have one. And here lies the problem. Not that he doesn’t have a list prepared, but that he literally can’t even tell me things he’s done for me. He said he concedes.

He asked me, “Anything else?”

“How did I play with your emotions?” I really wanted to know.

“Forget I said that. After what you said it makes sense. I don't deserve it. No emotions have been played with.”

“I feel like you want to be rewarded for the bare minimum.” I told him.

I continued, “I honestly want to do so much for you and with you, but you’ve showed me time and time again that me expressing how I feel about situations is going to constantly be ignored and disregarded and you can't even show that you’ve put in just a little bit of effort to get me; there’s no point in extending myself any further”.

He said, “That’s all I got from it. And I can’t disagree. So I’ll leave it alone.”

At some point in the conversation he mentioned wanting to go to a pool hall but never planned it. And why wouldn’t you if this is something you want to do let alone have someone you want to go with? He said he just wanted it to be a spur of the moment type thing. He means he wanted me to invite him along. See what I’m talkin about the initiation thing?

I asked, “Does this change anything between us?”

“Atm no, still processing.”

I told him, “Do what’s best for you.”

“It’s evident that it seems like I'm not”, he admitted.

Two days later I asked if he was still processing. He told me, “after thinking about it and as much as it bothers me, I would prefer we keep it strictly platonic”. I agreed.

November 2023

Around this time we’re talking and I’m playing around talkin bout some “you love me?” as I do with all my friends. He said he does. Knowing him, he’s not one to admit this type of thing, even in a joking manner, so I was taken aback. I told him he has a funny way of showing it and he said he wasn’t about to get into this. I agreed and dropped it because truthfully, the feelings weren’t mutual. Yes I cared about him, of course I liked him alot only God knows why… but love? That was a big one. Even my therapist gave an eyebrow raise on this one and you know they have to be deadpanned whole session. It was a weird feeling for me to know this because he truly was not treating me like he did love me. It was more frustrating than anything because if this is how you treat someone you love, it’s not something I want.

I was still dating new guy, when a comedy show was announced to see Faizon Love at DC Comedy Loft and Bier Baron Tavern in NW DC. At the time, new guy said he was going to be away that weekend, so I sent the announcement to Syre. “I’ll go if you go” he told me, which was surprising. I told him, “I meant if you wanted to go with your other friends lol but sure if you wanna go I'm free both days” knowing damn well I sent it because I wanted to go with him. “Oh I thought you was inviting me”. Which I replied, “Nah, I've learned my lesson”. Somehow we did end up going. On our drive there he played “Tried Our Best” by Drake which was funny because although I never heard the song before that day, by listening to it I said in my head “I feel like he thinks this about me” and by the end he told me “this song was about you by the way”. Made absolutely no sense because you don’t even take me out to give us a chance to argue but anywho. 

While there he said let’s address the elephant in the room: you said we weren’t going to hang out anymore yet here we are. I forgot what my response was to that one… probably trying to downplay the fact that I really did want to go to this show with him.

I won’t lie, I was hoping he would come back to my place after the show. While there we were on our friend shit but at some point he put his arm on the back of my chair which I put around my shoulder and held his hand. But I could tell the feelings weren’t there anymore on my end. On our way back I changed my mind, and actually hoped he wouldn’t try to come back to my place. Luckily he just dropped me off.

January 2024

It was midnight. We were talking and I randomly (and playfully) asked if he’d take a bullet for me. He said we been through this a million times and I said “and we gon go through it a million times more bc imma be in your life foreva cardi b gif”. He asked if I deserve it and I said I deserve that and more. “Elaborate”... and I forsure did. Told him how I’ve been there for him. But he disagreed. I asked him when haven’t I been by his side? (I'm thinkin we still playin) but he said plenty of times. “Some my fault. Some not my fault”. I said I won’t argue against his (wrong) opinion because honestly I wasn't in the mood for this conversation. He kept pushing. I told him we never agree anyway. I told him I always ask for my faults and he can never give me any. The only thing I’ve done that made him upset was forgetting his birthday and sending him a picture (of myself) but the background was clear I was at another guys house but honestly I didn’t think it was obvious. He said there hasn’t been anything to address. So what exactly is my fault if there’s nothing to address?

Me - “You saying I haven’t been by your side which has ‘sometimes been my fault’ but you can't think of any instances and you want me to take what you sayin seriously”

Him - “You right my fault”

Me - “Back to being 4lifers”

Him - “We not 4lifers. We pen pals”

Me - “Why we not”

Him - “Soon as you dating someone serious I know damn well I'm falling back”

Me - “And how would you know this?”

Him - “I got an intuition about these things.”

Me - “What the next person gotta do with you?”

Him - “I ain’t talking to you if you exclusive with someone else. Like if I dated someone serious I ain’t talking to you. It’s a respect thing to me.”

Me - “What's the point in us talking now then?”

Him - sends gif like… you got a point there

Me - “That settles that.”

Him - “What does that settle?”

Me - “Where we go from here. I don’t see a point in continuing a friendship or whatever this is if there's a time limit on it. And I'm certainly not gonna try to hold on to someone who doesn't wanna be held.”

Him - “Though we were never official I still planned to make you my girl. Now if it dont work out and I'm not talkin to anyone exclusively we can talk again but if not aye there's no point like you said. Cuz in my eye you always more of a ex I could spin the block on maybe. Just being honest” the most disrespectful thing a guy has ever said to me. Because now you think imma always be here and accept all your bs... And for the past two years I have so that's my fault. It’s disrespectful because you don’t think you have to improve or make an effort to get me. What that says to me is you see me as someone who only deserves the bare minimum.

Me - “If you sayin that we can’t be friends while you in a relationship or I'm in a relationship I can respect that. But if I can only go to you at certain points in your life (aka when you’re single) then we not friends fr”

He went on to explain that “right now there isn't limitations but because you’re different, any woman I’d date 7-8x/10 wouldnt be okay with us talking if I told them the whole story of our past and therefore would have to stop communicating with you.” 

“Why would you tell them about our past?” 

“Because you played a significant part in my dating life and I'm not gonna lie about that.”

Me - “Bottom line if we can only be friends until one of us get into a relationship then yes there is a limit to the friendship.” 

Seems we came to an understanding. Syre sent the Woody so long partner gif, then a follow up text “Don't get me wrong I’m always here. If you ever do really need me. So no hard feelings."

This was the last we spoke.

February 11, 2024

I won’t lie, I was hoping he would say happy birthday to me. He did not. So after that weekend I blocked him. Syre was the only guy in my dating life that was with me through all the big moments in my adult life – graduating from grad school, going to India, switching from a job I hated and getting the first job in my career, buying my first car, moving into my first apartment, I even cried later when I launched this blog and couldn't tell him about it. 

Without the help of my therapist, I probably would’ve still been in this never-ending cycle with this man. I’ve always tried to hold on to people even in a friend sense but friends can also still be toxic. And I don’t think we could’ve ever been true friends. As my therapist said, “You can’t go back to the same place that hurt you to heal you”. I would’ve constantly been hurt, constantly disappointed, constantly disrespecting myself for allowing him to stay in my life. 

I hope you all use me as an example to walk away at the first sign, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem, because eventually it will show up in bigger ways. Syre was an all around inconsiderate person and he showed it in more ways than one. Because they were small instances, I kept overlooking them and taking him back and that left me with two years dealing with someone who proved I wasn’t worth going the extra mile for. Another lesson I learned: don't tell your friends the wrong ways a person treats you because if you go back, they won’t forgive him like you do. Any good thing you tell them later will be irrelevant, and you won't feel comfortable talking about this person anymore. I told my therapist once “I know you're tired of hearing me talk about him” and she said “I’m not tired of hearing about it but you should be tired of talking about it”. Eventually, I got tired of talking about it.